Ambrosia Dance Club

By Phil F. Kearny

Well it is 2011. A new year and new challenges for us all. Ambrosia is now officially 4 years old and getting more popular each day with traffic hitting all time highs. Thanks to all the Ambrosians for making it so popular. We have lots of new dancers and DJs to keep you entertained throughout the year so take the time to check out the biographies on the website and find out why they are the best staff in SL. Not a few Ambrosians have brought it to my attention that there is a look-alike club out there. I dont’ care. To all the blatant copycat clubowners out there who try to duplicate the Ambrosia Experience by copy and pasting my notecards and duplicating club layout and procedures we will give you douchebags plenty more to copy for 2011.

Maybe like our new VIP lounge?

by Phil F. Kearny

We have a lot of DJs providing streams to Ambrosia. Sometimes they miss their gigs and I receive a notecard either before or after the fact. I always believe i have heard every reason under the sun for a DJ not being able to make a scheduled gig and then a totally new scenario comes up. Some of them are so bizarre they have to be true. It is fact – Is it fiction? You decide!

1. Dear Phil: I can’t dj tonight. I have my monthlies and Ive got cramps. Furthermore, my stomach is upset cuz I had to take midol and now I’ve got diarrhea. Ive had to get up from my computer 11 times since I got here and now Im outta toilet paper and I need to go to the store but Ive got a migraine and its making me nauseated. I threw up on my keyboard and im pretty sure its ruined. Can you find a dj to cover my shift. OMG brb i gotta go to the can!!!!!!!

2. I cant DJ tonight i have to take my dog to the hospital because he ate his intestines and i think he’s going to die .

3. I cant DJ tonight because my dog ate the microphone off my headset.

"The Dog - Public Enemy #1 of DJs around the globe"

4. I cant DJ tonight because my wife threw me out of the house and busted my computer because she caught me on Skype with my pants down.

5. I cant DJ because I am still at work and the broiler/steamer is on the fritz and we have to pull double shift and heat up the burgers using cigarette lighters.

6.I cant Dj tonight because my cat bit my lip when i was trying to feed her treats for a home video i was doing for Youtube. Naughty Mr Flinders!

7 My counselor says that I am spending significant amounts of time in the virtual world which has led to an impairment of my ability to function in normal society and recommends that i not play music for my cartoon friends for a while.. sorry phil

8. Klub Stupidd just offered me 30000 L to play for 2 hours at their “Going Bankrupt” party . Sorry Phil – have to go with the money on this one.

9. I can’t dj tonight cuz my boyfriend knocked my false teeth down the disposal and I cant talk properly. I should have new ones by next week. sorry phil PS yeah i have false teeth from the car accident i was in 5 years ago when i hit a moose on the way back from the supermarket.

10. Cant dj tonight….my rhoids flared up and my girlfriend used up my preparation H to combat her crows feet. I can’t sit at the PC so I won’t be back till next week.

11. Dear phil: I can’t DJ tonight. My grandma and grandpa are staying at the house over the holidays and they needed my bedroom where I DJ to have some ‘alone’ time. They are going back to Michigan later this week and Ill start djing again.

I could go on and on. There are so many and I have all the notecards saved.

Here is a video i stumbled across on You Tube. It says a lot about the “new” professionalism that is taking over the world.

This is not limited to photography but to almost every other creative field as well. In this age of E Books, a pedophile can publish a how-to manual on Amazon. A crappy video on you tube gets more attention than a carefully crafted feature length movie. Anyone with a jacked copy of SAM broadcaster,a rented stream and a 20 dollar Walmart headset is an SL DJ. It’s all part of the crapification of everything where even the shittiest thing is “good enough” Quality is gone and no one cares anymore. The world has been transformed to a JPEG compression.

Professionals are being squeezed out of every field including but not limited to Journalism, Photography, Videography and Pornography. It can’t be stopped because its a simple factor of economics. In a world of “Good enough” your buddies Flip video of your wedding is just as good as the Videographer who charges you 3000 Dollars. People will mock you for spending that kind of money on a professional. You can feel the angst of the professional. They worked hard to learn the art of what they are doing and all their efforts to be the best in their field are wasted in a world of “Good Enough”.

Your visit to Ambrosia can be improved if you follow a few simple tricks to enhance your experience.

1. Turn off sounds – Yes thats right, turn them off. In the club people use gestures. These gestures are often times accompanied by irritating sounds like a wolf howling. If you have sounds enabled your dog sleeping next to you in Rl will start howling. If you enjoy constant bizarre and often irritating sounds during the dj show by all means enable sounds.

2. Turn off Particles – Get rid of that particle device that sends out a cloud of poofy stars and hearts when you enter or leave a sim. People with slow running computers hate you and we know that most people like to be liked. Particles, while maybe fun to you, are death to people who are running low quality or on board graphics. If you are such a person with a slow running computer its a good idea to hit ctr alt shift = to toggle off particles.

3. Requesting Songs – If you are going to request a song from the Dj it might be a good idea to leave them a tip of some sort. Don’t treat the DJ like some sort of personal IPOD. A lot of them will mute you after one unrewarded request. Ambrosia DJs are for the most part tip whores so remember those that pony up get the tunes they like to hear and dedications to cartoon spouses.

4. Draw Distance – Unless you plan on shopping in the amazing Ambrosia Mall whilst dancing its a good idea to turn down your draw distance to the minimum. There is no need for you to see the entire Sim since it will just slow down you computer. Viewer 2.2 now has a convenient slider right at the top toolbar.

5. Interacting with the Ambrosia Dancers – The Dancers are not prostitutes whores or strippers even though they may dress like them on occasion. Hell, almost every female avatar on SL is in a provocative outfit. Treat the dancers with respect and avoid a plummet to the icy depths of the Ambrosia Ocean like Jack in the movie “Titanic”

6. Clothing – Ambrosia is a role play sim. It is a cartoon version of a real life nightclub. When you come to Ambrosia wear something that you would wear in RL. Or something you would wear if you could have any fantasy clubbing outfit you wish. As long as the naughty parts are covered up you can pretty wear anything as long as it does not interfere with the other dancers. So avoid the use of giant wings, huge feet,gargantuan sculpted breasts,giant robot implants, or fire breathing dragon avatars.

7. Talk to People – That’s right. Just talk. The more people that are involved in actual conversation the more fun the place is. Most clubs are just filled with gesture spam that is at best annoying and at worst intolerable. Everyone has something valuable to add to the conversation so do speak up!

8. Dancing – You are on the couples balls and you are enjoying dancing with your date. Suddenly Gonnatakeyergurl Mavin comes right next to you and starts dancing right through you. This sometimes causes conflicts with shouts of “get out of our pixel space douchebag!” and other epithets. If you are the douchebag make a conscious effort to respect the space of others. If you are the Douchebagee just rez another set of balls in another part of the dance floor and move. Sometimes it’s the path of least resistance.

9. Annoying Scripted Devices – Just remove them. They cause lag for others and could get you booted from the venue. So feed baby at home before mommy goes out to pick up another daddy. Let your friends call you Cum Dumpster in open chat rather than wearing that evil titler. Don’t greet every single person in the club, most of them don’t know you and don’t want to. Spankers? Remember what happened to Jack at the end of “Titanic”?

10. Drama – Leave your relationship drama at the door. The 40 people on the dance floor listening to the DJ and shaking that groove thing really have little interest that your best friend just shagged your SL Boyfriend in your own mansion while you were making Mac and Cheese for dinner in RL. Letting the world know on the dance floor may be fun for you but will lead to the unenjoyable descent into the cold depths of the ocean if you start irritating everyone with the gruesome details.